Thursday, April 26, 2012

On a more serious note

So I'm going to get a little serious because I've had a really rough week and I really just feel a bit lost. It's not the best feeling. I'm sure as a new mother to be I'm not the first to have these thoughts and fears. So I'm just going to put it out there and be honest with myself because I'm the type of person who needs to vocalize what I feel inside in order to get past it.

So lets see where do I start. Being pregnant with twins is really scary. It's quite terrifying and takes a while to settle in with the nerves. Not only does your body change faster than a singleton pregnancy, but they are very high risk pregnancy's and there are so many things that can go wrong. I've gotten past that part and try not to think about it because there's nothing I can do to prevent something from going wrong. I know that stressing over it is not good for me or the babies.  So I take it one day at a time and hope that each day gets easier.

This week my emotions/hormones have really gone in to over drive. I just feel really lost and question who I am. I mean I know who I am but I think who am I as pregnant Gina. Do people think I'm a fun person and how long are they going to want to hangout with me before i become enormously pregnant. Perhaps what I'm feeling  is a bit insecure. I know that this pregnancy has changed my mood and I hope I'm not pushing people away or putting out bad vibes that make people uncomfortable. I see myself becoming somewhat closed off.

I guess to be completely honest before I got pregnant I was a bit of a party animal. Hahaha.. My close friend would probably laugh at this and say no shit! Well for those who don't know me well I was quite the drinker on the weekends. I was a good girl during the week, but did enjoy a glass of wine after work to whined down. So with getting pregnant this is the first time since turning 21 that I have been sober for this long, 4 months that is. I actually really really enjoy it. It's great but I do occasionally crave a swirl or a glass of wine, it doesn't last to long it's more like oooo that sounds yummy...anyways wheres the ice cream, haha....

With that said being sober has given me so much time to think and accept what is going to come in the next few months. I see all my friends doing their normal thing. Hanging out, going to bars, Being social and out and about. I do join them and we go out to dinner then normally swing by Coach's where all the boyfriends and Husbands are and I say my hellos and then go home shortly after. I guess what I'm getting at is I've had to accept that that part of my life is very much over.   I've accepted it and am okay with it. It's definitely time to grow up. When these babies arrive they will be my whole life and I will be a very busy mama with 2 little babies. It's just hard saying goodbye to that part of my life and scary starting this next chapter. 

I have ADD and so my brain is running a mile a minute. There are so many thoughts and feelings running through my head all at once it's so very hard to concentrate and get anything done. Even if I have free time to do something it usually doesn't get done because I can't seem to focus long enough on one thing. I need to get some kind of organizer to keep my life in check.. 

I need to learn how to communicate better. I haven't been vocal with Billy regarding all my fears and anxiety's I've been quietly freaking out to myself and it's just building and building and I think this week it all just started to erupt. So here I am trying to put my ego aside to say I'm freaked out, scared and frazzled. Totally normal but I always try to play it tough, it's time to admit my fears. Becoming a parent to one baby is scary. But becoming a parent to 2 babies is quite frightening. I know I've been blessed with a awesome support team. But I guess it's easier to say it will all be okay when it's not you having the babies. 

So there is my shpeal  :-\ I actually have so much more to say but this is already so long and I hate being a downer. I guess you can say I'm just human. I have fears, I have two babies growing inside me, I'm in pain because they are growing so fast. It's so in my face it's impossible to ignore. But I am so excited, happy and can't wait to hold them and know that they are out of me and okay :) Woo Hoo! I hope I didn't say too much to make me look like a crazy person.

I will be okay. I can do this. Everything will be fine...........

This picture is funny


  1. Gina,
    You are already doing your best and that is more than enough,You are the sweetest person I know and you are going to be a great mom, your example of how to treat people will be a blessing to your children.
    My first few years of being a parent went by pretty fast and I only made about 83 million mistakes, you might make one or two and thats ok.
    I can only think of a couple of people I would trust to care for anyone I love and you are one of them,anybody you love is in good hands.
    I cant take away your concerns and thats ok because that means the mother hen thing is kicking in, your a mom now and you want to do your best,Im proud.....but remember feelings are not facts and you are the best.
    You already have more love and support than you will ever need, I can think of a couple gals who might want to move in.....
    Time flys, try to enjoy the ride when you can and ride out the thought attacks, we all have them....
    As always I am so proud of you and how much you care inspires me, your children will be blessed to have you as thier mom,your going to be a great one....I love you so very much and think of you always.... Dad

    1. Thanks Dad!!! That mean's alot. Thanks for your works of wisdom they REALLY help a lot :)